My days and nights

I'm trying to get through my nights and days with little to no pain. Suffering from depression has been, by far, the worst thing I've had to endure. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I find myself walking into crowds telling myself what's wrong with my outfit, hair or shoes. I hate taking pictures because I can't recognize myself. I see my smile but it never reaches my eyes. I've never been the size that I am now but it still doesn't stop me from over-eating. That's the only thing that I control. I can't control the amount of people that have abandoned me when I needed them most. I can't make my baby love me like he loves his mother because I am not his mother. I can't make myself not be depressed because I just am. I have to do this day in and day out, fight with myself to stay sane. I have to pretend to be happy so people won't talk about me. I'm healing slowly but at least I'm healing. I have to learn to love myself and take disappointment as a bump in the road. I will be okay, I have to be.