Up late and thinking...

A friend once told me that it was okay to test your friends because otherwise how would you know who you can truly trust. I think the ultimate test was the week my grandma died. I'll never forget the people who reached out to me to let me know they were thinking about and praying for me. Im a quiet person and I keep to myself but im a great friend to anyone that needs me. I love to listen. As long as we're on a good path, I'll follow you to the moon lol. I'll go out of my way to make you happy even if im not. Some people don't see that but I guess I can't expect to please everyone. #venting

Untitled poem

Why is it when you really need someone, no one is ever there?

Why does someone need to be underground for everyone to say they care?

What sacrifices do I have to make for life to be fair?

The Bible has said, "HE will not give us more than we can bear."

So I challenge myself to overcome and leap this hurdle, should I dare?

                          ---Tierra D. Dixon

Bad News

      She is the matriarch of our family. She is the bond that holds us together. When there is a fight, she is the one that breaks it up. She's not a violent person. She's soft spoken, kind, short, loving, funny, and the greatest person I've ever known. My grandmother, Rosa Etta Johnson may have a fatal disease called ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)or Lou Gehrig's Disease. It is a Motor Neuron Disease that is progressive. There are no cures. If the tests done in two weeks come back positive, she may have to suffer from this horrid disease. I cannot see this happening and I DO NOT want to. I have never gotten such bad news in my life. There have been many disappointments but this is the worst because even if she doesn't have ALS, they still won't know what's wrong with her. Please pray for my grandma and pray for our family.

Tired

Ya know when there's that one person who says, "You'll always be in my life. We'll always be friends" Then that same person decides to screw you over because it's what's  "good" for them. They can ignore you most of the days and one day send you a message saying "they still appreciate you and you'll always be someone special to them" Well it's complete bullshit. I dont cuss so when you hear me utter those words, I'm not mad, I'm livid. I'm tired of being the the person people want to screw over and leave behind. I really hope when the day comes and you're down and you need my help, I remember this day. I plan to laugh in your face. I plan not to be the better person and you'll be treated that same way you treated me. I dont care about your life. I dont care about your friendship. I will always  be a nice person but you'll never know it because I'm done with you. Being nice to you will never even be in my thought process. I'm done. 


It showed that I cared when I tried multiple times to find out what the deal is. I ask and you say nothing. I ask and you say nothing. I ask and you say nothing. What the F do you expect me to think. I'm a smart person (let's face it) so I can figure out when something's not right. All I can account for is the fact that I'm always trying to be a good friend. I'm always wondering what I can do better to make some else happy. Why even bother? Everyone always end up caring mostly about themselves in the end anyway. I no longer care. If that means that I'll end up alone because all the trust that I've ever held has been broken by someone who I was fooled into putting my faith in, "So Be it!!" I trust no one. You can feel guilty, care, not care, be sad or whatever  else sorry ass excuse you have for feeling sorry for yourself. I dont care and I never will again.

My days and nights

I'm trying to get through my nights and days with little to no pain. Suffering from depression has been, by far, the worst thing I've had to endure. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I find myself walking into crowds telling myself what's wrong with my outfit, hair or shoes. I hate taking pictures because I can't recognize myself. I see my smile but it never reaches my eyes. I've never been the size that I am now but it still doesn't stop me from over-eating. That's the only thing that I control. I can't control the amount of people that have abandoned me when I needed them most. I can't make my baby love me like he loves his mother because I am not his mother. I can't make myself not be depressed because I just am. I have to do this day in and day out, fight with myself to stay sane. I have to pretend to be happy so people won't talk about me. I'm healing slowly but at least I'm healing. I have to learn to love myself and take disappointment as a bump in the road. I will be okay, I have to be.

Update

Current Mood: A little sad

It has been a while since I've posted. I've been really busy. I'm currently working for Blackberry. I love my job. It's fun and I get to play with Blackberry devices all day. My personal Blackberry is a storm2. I'm starting to look for new people to hang out with. I'm also starting to look for "the guy" of my dreams lol. I'm turning 25 this year and it's really making me open my eyes.

Happy B-day Crystal!!!

Current mood: content This Poem is what I wrote for my best friend Crystal... "My Dear Friend" We have been friends for 12 years There has been happiness and sometimes tears I'll always love you just the same as that day you called my name. We were 12 and I was alone then we started letter-writing and talking on the phone. It has been months since I've seen you last but in my book no time has been passed. I'll always be there for you, in state or out. You can believe that without a doubt. Our lives are different and things have changed but it's like our friendship was pre-arranged. No matter what, you can always bet; Never disbelieve, never forget that I'll always love ya gurl, my dear friend. BFF forever, friends til the end. --Tierra D. Dixon

Rambling on and on...

Current mood: calm

I have many brothers and sisters, most that i've never met. My father had many kids but my mother only had 3. So, I grew up with my older sister Tamara and my younger brother Twan. Tammy and I are 4 years apart. Twan and I are 3 years apart. My sister didnt like me much when i was little so i played mostly with my little brother. He has always been my sidekick.
My Brother Twan has always been there for me when I needed him. When i broke down in Delaware, he talked to me and it helped me calm down. When I'm sad he always tries to cheer me up. He is one of my very best friends and he's still my sidekick. He's 21 years old now and doesn't really want to be seen hanging out with his older sister, but he hangs out with me anyway. We still run around the house acting like kids lol. We'll lock each other in our rooms or threaten to beat the s**t out of each other. It's always us just messing around though because we rarely fight for real. There are times that I want to slap the piss out of him and vice versa for him lol. It's okay though because I know we'll always make up and start talking again within a week. He is always telling me his secrets even though i use them against him sometimes. He'll always have my back and I'll always have his. He listens to me more than he listens to our mom. It's funny and she realizes it too so when she wants something done she'll send me to talk to him. Even though he's taller than me, he'll always be my little brother. I love him dearly and I know he feels the same!!
My siblings are very important to me. They are my family, my friends, and my support group. My sister hasnt always been around but I love her just as much as my brother. So, big hugs to them...Tammy and Twan.

Currently reading: The Survivors Club By Lisa Gardner Release date: 2003-04-29

Progress

Current mood: calm
Category: Life

I have made great progress in the last two months. I was given one more diagnosis, Social Anxiety Disorder. Wow, right? Lol, i'm pretty messed up. My counselor, Jillian, is helping me a lot. My medicine is helping. I panic less but in some ways it's still there. My number one problem is finding a job. It's so freakin hard to find a good paying job in SC right now. I shoulda stayed my ass in Delaware. lol. I had good reasons for leaving though, my mental state being one of them. My number two problem is I'm extremely lonely. I don't have many people to talk to-- which is why i look forward to talking to Jillian every week. It would be nice for that "special" guy to come along who can understand what I'm going through and be there for me. I'm not a very patient person, but i'll be patient and hope for the best. Anyways enough with my rambling. Thanks to anyone that's reading---much love!!

Currently reading: Journey By Danielle Steel Release date: 2001-10-23

How i'm doing

Current mood: anxious

It has been a long time since many people have seen me. For the past 4 months, I've been pretty much in the house. I didn't go out much and when i did it was to drive people around or take someone somewhere. I've been dealing with something that has been building up for a long time. A couple days ago i was diagnosed with Major Depression and Panic Disorder. They both are two serious Mental Disorders that have invaded my life. 2007 and 2008 were really hard years for me so now in 2009, I want to make a difference. Everyone pretty much knows what Depression is, but I'll explain Panic Disorder.

Panic Disorder is a disorder in which inappropriate, intense apprehension and physical symptoms of fear occur so frequently as to produce significant impairment. It affects everyday life. You feel like you're having a heart attack and you can't breathe. It's really scary.

Panic Disorder and Depression have kept me to myself. It's something i was ashamed of because i thought people would think i'm crazy or weird, but now i dont really care what people think about me. I want to get better for myself so I can get back on the right track. My life is at a different place than i thought it would be. With Counseling and Medication, I plan to turn things around and make 2009 a great year!! Hopefully I'll have the support of my family and close friends, but even if I dont I'll still get better and like Crystal says, 'It's a new year and a new me' so I'm gonna make the best of it.

Currently watching: The X-Files: I Want to Believe (Single-Disc Edition) Release date: 2008-12-02

I'm back!

Current mood: warm

Well guys...I'm back. I had so much fun in Delaware. I got a really amazing job. I was so happy to meet my new baby cousin Marcel.He was such a cutie. I got to see all my family up there. I got a chance to change everything about me that i wanted. I went away to try and find myself and the whole time i was away I realized, I didnt need to move away to find out who Tierra is. So, i'm back!! After i get secure here, I do plan to go visit my new friends in DE though. I miss them already. My nephews were so happy to see me. I havent had a chance to go around and see all my friends, but y'all know i'm coming. I'm looking forward to seeing everybody. I will update y'all on my adventure back to SC, but until then...

Currently watching: What Happens in Vegas (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 2008-08-26

2 weeks

Current mood: accomplished

It has officially been two weeks since i left SC. I think i'm handling myself well. There are good hours and there are bad hours. I knew i would miss my nephews, but i didnt think it would affect me this much. Sometimes i just lie down and think about what they're doing or what new things they're saying and how i'm missing everything. It's hard when you've been there from the beginning, watching them grow from babies to lil boys. They always knew how to cheer me up. Now when i talk to them on the phone, they ask me when i'm coming back (well the two oldest do) and why i'm not there. The two smallest don't know what's going on but i still talk to them anyway. I always tell them i love them and i'll visit soon. Plus, they know i'm gonna spoil them rotten when i get a job. That's the first thing Jacobe asks, " Cody, did you get a job yet?" Lol (that's my babii)

The good news is i may have a job, which i'm so happy about. It gives me something to do and a chance to meet new people. I go for my second interview in about 14 hrs so i hope it goes well. I've been filling out applications and sending in resumes left and right, but with this job i had connections so we'll see. I think having a job will make me spend less time dwelling on my nephews every second and just worrying about me (which is what i came here for). I'm learning my way around a little bit. I'm walking downtown up these two really leg-hurtin hills. I hate those hills but oh well they get me where i'm going. Most times i stay in the house or go to my Aunt Trancey house, but i'm trying to get out more. It's a struggle but i'm taking it one hour at a time.

I miss and love everyone. Wish me well and i'll wish you well also (even if you dont wish me well lol). I got so much love for ya.

Currently reading: Where Are You Now?: A Novel By Mary Higgins Clark