Bad News

      She is the matriarch of our family. She is the bond that holds us together. When there is a fight, she is the one that breaks it up. She's not a violent person. She's soft spoken, kind, short, loving, funny, and the greatest person I've ever known. My grandmother, Rosa Etta Johnson may have a fatal disease called ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)or Lou Gehrig's Disease. It is a Motor Neuron Disease that is progressive. There are no cures. If the tests done in two weeks come back positive, she may have to suffer from this horrid disease. I cannot see this happening and I DO NOT want to. I have never gotten such bad news in my life. There have been many disappointments but this is the worst because even if she doesn't have ALS, they still won't know what's wrong with her. Please pray for my grandma and pray for our family.

Tired

Ya know when there's that one person who says, "You'll always be in my life. We'll always be friends" Then that same person decides to screw you over because it's what's  "good" for them. They can ignore you most of the days and one day send you a message saying "they still appreciate you and you'll always be someone special to them" Well it's complete bullshit. I dont cuss so when you hear me utter those words, I'm not mad, I'm livid. I'm tired of being the the person people want to screw over and leave behind. I really hope when the day comes and you're down and you need my help, I remember this day. I plan to laugh in your face. I plan not to be the better person and you'll be treated that same way you treated me. I dont care about your life. I dont care about your friendship. I will always  be a nice person but you'll never know it because I'm done with you. Being nice to you will never even be in my thought process. I'm done. 


It showed that I cared when I tried multiple times to find out what the deal is. I ask and you say nothing. I ask and you say nothing. I ask and you say nothing. What the F do you expect me to think. I'm a smart person (let's face it) so I can figure out when something's not right. All I can account for is the fact that I'm always trying to be a good friend. I'm always wondering what I can do better to make some else happy. Why even bother? Everyone always end up caring mostly about themselves in the end anyway. I no longer care. If that means that I'll end up alone because all the trust that I've ever held has been broken by someone who I was fooled into putting my faith in, "So Be it!!" I trust no one. You can feel guilty, care, not care, be sad or whatever  else sorry ass excuse you have for feeling sorry for yourself. I dont care and I never will again.

My days and nights

I'm trying to get through my nights and days with little to no pain. Suffering from depression has been, by far, the worst thing I've had to endure. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I find myself walking into crowds telling myself what's wrong with my outfit, hair or shoes. I hate taking pictures because I can't recognize myself. I see my smile but it never reaches my eyes. I've never been the size that I am now but it still doesn't stop me from over-eating. That's the only thing that I control. I can't control the amount of people that have abandoned me when I needed them most. I can't make my baby love me like he loves his mother because I am not his mother. I can't make myself not be depressed because I just am. I have to do this day in and day out, fight with myself to stay sane. I have to pretend to be happy so people won't talk about me. I'm healing slowly but at least I'm healing. I have to learn to love myself and take disappointment as a bump in the road. I will be okay, I have to be.

Update

Current Mood: A little sad

It has been a while since I've posted. I've been really busy. I'm currently working for Blackberry. I love my job. It's fun and I get to play with Blackberry devices all day. My personal Blackberry is a storm2. I'm starting to look for new people to hang out with. I'm also starting to look for "the guy" of my dreams lol. I'm turning 25 this year and it's really making me open my eyes.